He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
