Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
