Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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