I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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