What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
