if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My pussy is not your playground.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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