I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize