My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
