I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't deserve a penis
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
