So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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