I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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