I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
