I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
