Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
