Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
