I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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