i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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