i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
