I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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