Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize