Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You're like the curious george of whores
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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