If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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