I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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