I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
