Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
