there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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