there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
