He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
