Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
