Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
