I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
