and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
