i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
