How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
