shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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