There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
