we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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