he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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