o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
