when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And then the night went full on bisexual.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
