Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
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