Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize