I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
