i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
