I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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