That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
