My cat gives me a boner
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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