The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
