Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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