So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize