On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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