Need sex. Gaining weight.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
