He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My ass is underappreciated
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
