i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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