If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
