anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
