Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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