Porn is love you can see.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
