New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
