Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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