It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
