come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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