I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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