Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
