he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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