i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
