im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
