So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
