that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
