meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize