Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
