Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
