i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
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